I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
