Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
