A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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