You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
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i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
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i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.