Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
