Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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