tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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