So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
