I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex