I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
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i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
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He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?