i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
