wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
