I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
