I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
