come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
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As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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