so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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