apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
