U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Randomize
