Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
