Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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