Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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