so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
