Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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