they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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