the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
