Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
this is an emotional support booty call
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child