Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.