Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.