The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
