I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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