exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
