Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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