Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
