I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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