when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
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Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
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Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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