Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
