Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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