He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
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Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT