I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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