she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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