He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
