No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
