Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
