It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
