woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
