Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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