Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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