Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
