im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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