i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
