i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
