He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
