where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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