the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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