Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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