So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
