i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
