i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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