i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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