Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just gift wrapped bread.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I touched a dick in church today
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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