If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
