when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
People in love make me want to vomit
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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